I drive for Uber and Lyft a couple nights a week. I love it. I have a great time meeting new people and bonding over a variety of subjects–things I am familiar with and things I am interested in and things I had no clue about but the rider is passionate about. I have had a ton of great conversations with strangers, that, under other circumstances, could very easily be my friends.
On occasion, someone gets in my car that I bond with over shared experiences. Last night it was one of those instances. My last rider was a gay man and his friend (friend only, straight if I am not mistaken) needing a ride after participating in a local Pride event. Unlike me, he was railing on about the guy he thought he would be taking home or going home with that night. I don’t go home with random strangers nor do I want to but that is beside the point. That ranting got us on the subject of dating and single men and all the bullshit that seems to go with it. We commiserated over the pitfalls and problems that come with dating, single men and feelings. Talk about opening a can of worms!
“What about …………..?”
It kind of became a bitch fest of two “sisters” clucking about the fallibility and suckishness of men. Not a good path to go down, but when you are bonding………….
So, after last night’s discussion, I got to thinking about how men think that we women are such complicated creatures when complication is equal on both sides of the gender fence. We are all complicated, being human and all, and chances are that each one of us has baggage associated with the bad things that have happened in our lives and every bad thing that people have done to us. We are not so complicated as much as we desire and need certain things in our lives with regard to dating, relationships and friendships. In my experience the excuse of “too complicated” espoused by men is really code for him being too lazy to put in any work with regard to a relationship or friendship. Relationships and friendships require work. The ones that matter do. So, in contemplating what it is we really want, I came up with a small and very basic list.
- If you need something, say something. As much as men want to complain about women expecting them to be mind readers as to what they want or need, men are just as guilty. Say something. Just say something. Speak up or we will never know.
- You want something from me? tell me. Be clear about it. Don’t dance around it, side step it or jump over it. Don’t hint and expect me to know. If you do any of those things, don’t get pissed when I miss your intentions and then stop speaking to me. Recently, a man I have crushed on off and on for the last 3 years and I have been talking. He will occasionally text or call me and we have met up and talked till the wee hours of the morning. I got the impression there might be a little bit of interest on his part in doing more than just talking. Nothing serious, just physical. He is in a position where he is around beautiful, svelte, horny drunk girls throwing themselves at him all the time. What possible interest could he have in me? I am not beautiful, thin or young (I am more than 10 years older than him). While I don’t want the physical without the emotional, it would have been nice to know his exact intentions. Now whether or not his intention was to be physical, I don’t know and he has since stopped responding to texts and has not communicated in any way with me. WTF?!
- Actions speak louder than words so act accordingly. I am a huge believer in watching actions rather than listening to words. Thirteen years of marriage where words were used, but never backed up with corresponding actions, has made me adamant about the importance of said actions. I cannot stand empty words and recently I got caught up in a situation where the actions said the exact opposite of the words, but my feelings made me stupid. You see, the former (yes former–my brain reactivated) object of my affection, while SAYING he valued our friendship and conversations and how he did not see my interest as changing our friendship, changed his actions. Or maybe I just noticed that the actions never did match up. I last texted him on May 30th. I have yet to hear anything back from him. At present, it has been 17 days since last communication. Friendship was never was clearly never appreciated or reciprocated. It would seem that he was merely communicating with me to placate me. I hate that. If someone does not want to be in my life, I will be fine. Just walk. But don’t say things because you are afraid of being the bad guy. Bullshitting me only makes you look even worse and will likely incur my wrath. Or indifference. Either one is not good.
- Be faithful. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. It’s simple–don’t go dipping your wick into anyone else’s pot. Period. I don’t think one single man I have been involved with has ever been faithful. I am not sure a faithful man exists, but I would like to hope he does. I haven’t seen much evidence of it but I am a fool and I will continue to hope. Just as I hope for the existence of unicorns.
In my estrogen fueled rant session I did gain some insight as to men and how they deal with break ups and pain. In my experience and observations, when men experience pain, they seem to feel like theirs is the only pain in existence. And it is worse than any pain that may have come before. The gentleman that shared in my rant pretty much said that same thing. When men, gay or straight, deal with a break up, it destroys them. Not even figuratively. What men don’t seem to understand is that it pretty much does the same thing to us, but thankfully we can pick up the pieces and put them back together as we move along our daily lives. We rant, we cry, we move on. Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t always cope in healthy ways. We aren’t super human. We sometimes engage in destructive behavior as a means of coping. We certainly aren’t perfect. However, I am not sure any man wants to compare scars, bruises, bumps and boo-boos with a woman. Chances are that as well as dealing with the ouchies associated with heart break and broken relationships, most women are also coping with the scars associated with sexual assault, rape and/or sexual harassment. Men have pain. We get it. But don’t ever assume we don’t have our own or that it isn’t every bit as bad as yours. Just because you may not see it does not mean that it’s not there.
The short list of wants and/or needs for a woman is probably very similar to a man’s. I think that it would be helpful if we could all figure out a way to communicate openly and honestly with each other and stop assuming things about the other (something I am horribly guilty of. I always assume the worst–relationships have taught me that). Human nature and fear of rejection and any number of other things keeps us from doing so. We really need to stop using each other, stop hurting each other, start talking to each other and start taking care of each other. Just think of how much better relationships, in whatever form they take, would be if we could just figure those things out.