Decency isn’t really all that complicated

I drive for Uber and Lyft a couple nights a week. I love it. I have a great time meeting new people and bonding over a variety of subjects–things I am familiar with and things I am interested in and things I had no clue about but the rider is passionate about. I have had a ton of great conversations with strangers, that, under other circumstances, could very easily be my friends.

On occasion, someone gets in my car that I bond with over shared experiences. Last night it was one of those instances.  My last rider was a gay man and his friend (friend only, straight if I am not mistaken) needing a ride after participating in a local Pride event. Unlike me, he was railing on about the guy he thought he would be taking home or going home with that night. I don’t go home with random strangers nor do I want to but that is beside the point. That ranting got us on the subject of dating and single men and all the bullshit that seems to go with it. We commiserated over the pitfalls and  problems that come with dating, single men and feelings. Talk about opening a can of worms!

“What about …………..?”

“OMG. Yes!”

“How about………….?”

“And……………?! And…………?!”

“And then………….?”


It kind of became a bitch fest of two “sisters” clucking about the fallibility and suckishness of men. Not a good path to go down, but when you are bonding………….

So, after last night’s discussion, I got to thinking about  how men think that we women are such complicated creatures when complication is equal on both sides of the gender fence. We are all complicated, being human and all, and chances are that each one of us has baggage associated with the bad things that have happened in our lives and every bad thing that people have done to us.  We are not so complicated as much as we desire and need certain things in our lives with regard to dating, relationships and friendships. In my experience the excuse of  “too complicated” espoused by men is really code for him being too lazy to put in any work with regard to a relationship or friendship. Relationships and friendships require work. The ones that matter do.  So, in contemplating what it is we really want, I came up with a small and very basic list.

  1. If you need something, say something. As much as men want to complain about women expecting them to be mind readers as to what they want or need, men are just as guilty.  Say something. Just say something. Speak up or we will never know.
  2. You want something from me? tell me. Be clear about it. Don’t dance around it, side step it or jump over it. Don’t hint and expect me to know.  If you do any of those things, don’t get pissed when I miss your intentions and then stop speaking to me. Recently, a man I have crushed on off and on for the last 3 years and I have been talking. He will occasionally text or call me and we have met up and talked till the wee hours of the morning. I got the impression there might be a little bit of interest on his part in doing more than just talking. Nothing serious, just physical. He is in a position where he is around beautiful, svelte, horny drunk girls throwing themselves at him all the time. What possible interest could he have in me? I am not beautiful, thin or young (I am more than 10 years older than him). While I don’t want the physical without the emotional, it would have been nice to know his exact intentions. Now whether or not his intention was to be physical, I don’t know and he has since stopped responding to texts and has not communicated in any way with me. WTF?!
  3. Actions speak louder than words so act accordingly. I am a huge believer in watching actions rather than listening to words. Thirteen years of marriage where words were used, but never backed up with corresponding actions, has made me adamant about the importance of said actions. I cannot stand empty words and recently I got caught up in a situation where the actions said the exact opposite of the words, but my feelings made me stupid. You see, the former (yes former–my brain reactivated) object of my affection, while SAYING he valued our friendship and conversations and how he did not see my interest as changing our friendship, changed his actions. Or maybe I just noticed that the actions never did match up.  I last texted him on May 30th. I have yet to hear anything back from him. At present, it has been 17 days since last communication.  Friendship was never was clearly never appreciated or reciprocated. It would seem that he was merely communicating with me to placate me. I hate that. If someone does not want to be in my life, I will be fine. Just walk. But don’t say things because you are afraid of being the bad guy. Bullshitting me only makes you look even worse and will likely incur my wrath. Or indifference. Either one is not good.
  4.  Be faithful.  I cannot stress enough the importance of this. It’s simple–don’t go dipping your wick into anyone else’s pot. Period. I don’t think one single man I have been involved with has ever been faithful. I am not sure a faithful man exists, but I would like to hope he does. I haven’t seen much evidence of it but I am a fool and I will continue to hope. Just as I hope for the existence of unicorns.

In my estrogen fueled rant session I did gain some insight as to men and how they deal with break ups and pain. In my experience and observations, when men experience pain, they seem to feel like theirs is the only pain in existence. And it is worse than any pain that may have come before. The gentleman that shared in my rant pretty much said that same thing. When men, gay or straight, deal with a break up, it destroys them. Not even figuratively.  What men don’t seem to understand is that it pretty much does the same thing to us, but thankfully we can pick up the pieces and put them back together as we move along our daily lives. We rant, we cry, we move on. Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t always cope in healthy ways. We aren’t super human. We sometimes engage in destructive behavior as a means of coping. We certainly aren’t perfect. However, I am not sure any man wants to compare scars, bruises, bumps and boo-boos with a woman. Chances are that as well as dealing with the ouchies associated with heart break and broken relationships, most women are also coping with the scars associated with sexual assault, rape and/or sexual harassment. Men have pain. We get it. But don’t ever assume we don’t have our own or that it isn’t every bit as bad as yours. Just because you may not see it does not mean that it’s not there.

The short list of wants and/or needs for a woman is probably very similar to a man’s. I think that it would be helpful if we could all figure out a way to communicate openly and honestly with each other and stop assuming things about the other (something I am horribly guilty of. I always assume the worst–relationships have taught me that).  Human nature and fear of rejection and any number of other things keeps us from doing so. We really need to stop using each other, stop hurting each other, start talking to each other and start taking care of each other. Just think of how much better relationships, in whatever form they take, would be if we could just figure those things out.


Impulsivity and Irrational Responses

Even with 48 years under my belt, I find that I still make some of my decisions out of an emotional place rather than anything remotely resembling a rational, well thought out place. You might think that with all this life experience, all this relationship experience and some decent level of intelligence, I might think twice or even three times before making a choice, but somehow, there are some choices that are simply responses to being hurt.

Very recently, the object of my affection made it very clear that I am firmly cemented in the friend zone behind what feels like a steel wall  and bound in barbed wire. I am not moving any time soon. He was very honest with me but very kind in what he said. However, rejection is rejection and it’s nearly always painful. So while he made clear it wasn’t me, it was him, that somehow does not keep my brain and heart from telling me otherwise.  Having faced a lifetime of rejection after rejection, I have been conditioned to believe that it IS me. Every single time.  My internal dialogue goes over every flaw, every shortcoming, every single possible reason it could be me. My looks, my weight, my laugh, my eccentric personality, my crazy pink hair and my unfiltered mouth. I convince myself that there is something so wrong with me that it makes me unlovable and unwanted.

So, in response to that, I did something I swore I would never do again–I stepped back into the world of online dating by getting an account on After the breakup with the last boyfriend, I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone, but then I met him, caught feelings and realized I really missed having a companion or love interest. His rejection caused me to make an irrational choice, one that I immediately regretted. But, since I had already made the stupid decision and paid for said account,  I thought I would just go with it and see what happened. Can I just insert a huge eyeroll here? OMG. I am not sure what I was thinking, or if I was even thinking at all. I had decided a while back that if I was to date again, it would be an organic process not something forced or fished. Dating sites are not organic, but I am finding that letting things happen naturally isn’t any easier because there is a rather pronounced shortage of good men, unicorns, if you will, anywhere in my vicinity.

So, I started browsing the site and the profiles and guess what—It kind of sucked. Big surprise, right? Yeah–I don’t think so either. Not one single unicorn so far, but I am really not interested so I am not seeing the potential if, in fact, there is any. I wish I had a switch that turned any potential for feelings off. I have found that my feelings always end up getting me hurt.  I have often joked that I would prefer a lobotomy to feelings, but let’s be honest, those feelings are intoxicating and I think we are all looking for that and looking to have them reciprocated.

So after going through the business of being hurt, angry, frustrated and whatever emotion happened to be mixed into the seething pot of feelings, I picked myself up and decided to do what I should have done in the first place. I prayed about it.  I was on my way to a Christian seminar today and told God I was simply looking for someone to go on adventures with.  My children won’t be in my charge for too much longer and I would love to see the world and go on a million adventures with someone.  I told no one about this prayer for someone to adventure with, so no one would have any reason to know.  When the seminar progressed into prophetic prayer, I began praying for God to give me some little sign that there was something to be hopeful for, some way to know he heard me.  Then the pastor looked and me and said that God wanted me to know that he had many adventures planned for me in my future, but that I had to wait on His timing.  He specifically used the word “adventures” so how could anyone know that if it wasn’t His doing? Now, the last time there was a prophetic prayer answer for me, the pastor told me that God wanted me to know that what He had in store for me was more wonderful than anything I had ever known. It took a while and a considerable amount of discomfort and pain, but I am seeing that promised “wonderful” happening every day of my life. It just keeps getting better. The only thing missing at this point is love, but there are now promises of that too. I don’t know where I will find it, but it will come.

So, while I wait for God’s timing, I will continue to work on me. I will take better care of myself and establish a workout routine because my goal for June of next year is to run the Spartan race and finish it. Right now, my boys and I are planning adventures of our own, both local and outside the state of Idaho.  I will relax, have fun, play and just enjoy the present and try not to think so much about the future and what I don’t have right this minute.

Ultimate Wish List–The Search for a Unicorn

I have talked a lot about what I don’t want when it comes to the opposite sex. I have gone over a lot of the bad or negative things about dating and a plethora of pitfalls as it relates to the men I have dated or gone out with. I honestly don’t believe that all the good men are gone or married. Or gay for that matter. I mean, seriously, there has to  be at least a few of them left and maybe, just maybe, I will be fortunate enough to find just one of them. So, instead of listing all the bad things about the men I have come across, perhaps it would be nice to address what I do want, because I have been thinking about that a lot lately.

  1. A gentleman. A true gentleman, not just one that likes to say he is and then forget his manners as soon as he gets comfortable with me. I want a man to open my doors, go out of his way to treat me like I matter to him, speak with kindness, not just to me, but everyone he comes across, even when he doesn’t necessarily like them. He should have at least some basic understanding of manners and etiquette and be good to my kids and my family.
  2. A man who is proud to be with me. I am not a super model. In fact, I am about the farthest thing from that, but I want whoever I am with to be okay with that and to be proud of who he is with, because in spite of my physical shortcomings, he thinks I am still an awesome person and a great catch.
  3. A man that isn’t afraid of feelings. Oh my gosh, it would be nice to be with someone who is not only okay with my feelings but doesn’t mock or belittle others who have them. It would be nice if he shows and shares his with me because he cares about and trusts me that much.
  4. Someone who realizes and is okay with the fact that I fuck up. Because I do. Monumentally sometimes. I want someone to push back when I push and fight when it’s necessary. I want him to not puss out when I mess up and talk to me about why he is angry with me when he is angry with me. He should be able to engage in conversation when things go wrong and not just walk away. A good man sticks around when things get difficult. A good man will get that I am worth it even when my insecurities and baggage get the best of me.
  5. Someone with a good work ethic. Maybe that sounds a bit trite, but I want him to work hard. I also want him to play hard. Lazy is good at the right time, but I really want to be with someone who not just says he likes to hike and swim and go to the gym. I want someone who actually does and encourages it in me when I am too damn tired to move. I want someone who says “let’s go!” and grabs me by the hand and drags me to the car to go do something active when everything in me says “no. Let’s just watch Netflix”.
  6. Lazy at the right time. Yes, I realize that I just said I wanted someone active, but there are times when I really need to relax and just chill. I need to recharge my batteries and I want someone who can honestly tell when I need that and help make that happen. Sometimes I really just need a day when I can sit on the porch, wrapped up in a blanket or a hoodie, drinking hot cocoa, either enjoying a good book or watching the rain fall. Some days I really need to just breathe and little else. The right man will know this and enjoy the quiet with me.
  7. A good sense of humor. I love to laugh. If a man can make me laugh so hard I snort, he just might be a keeper. I love all kinds of humor–jokes, sarcasm, off color humor, dry humor, nerdy humor, geeky humor and  (gasp!) dirty humor. If he can make me laugh, he is ahead in the game already.
  8. Someone with a past. This might sound strange, but I want someone with a past. I am not so sure that someone will accept mine if they don’t have their own. All those flaws I sport, the baggage I carry and all my scars are a part of who I am. They have built my character, made me strong, given me compassion and taught me things a clean and trial-free life could’ve never done. Someone with a past will understand this. They will see mine and not be afraid to share theirs.
  9. Someone who encourages me. I have always been able to take care of my self, but it would be nice to have someone who is willing to be my cheerleader. In relationships, I do my best to encourage and cheer my partner on, but rarely is my effort reciprocated
  10. Someone willing to be gluten free. This may be the hardest one to find. If one doesn’t have to be gluten free, why do it? I mean, who knows if this is something I could do if I didn’t absolutely have to. I would like to think I would, but it was hard enough doing it out of medical necessity, but when it’s not? Good luck. A man willing to give up his beer, bread and anything else gluten filled may be a unicorn indeed.
  11. Someone who wants to live. I am tired of men that want to be comfortable staying at home all the frickin time. I want to go camping and fishing and out to movies and for walks. I want to travel and see the world. I want to hang out with other people and go dancing and play. I want to have fun and I want to be with someone who wants to do those same things. I don’t want to spend my life working and then coming home to cook and clean for someone else and then watch Netflix until bedtime. I want to be with someone that isn’t happy in a bubble of comfort. I want to do things that scare me or challenge me or change me.
  12. Someone intelligent. I have always been kind of a nerd so I value intelligence in a partner. Maybe I need to ease up on that though because often when I find a super intelligent one, they kind of turn out to be, how shall I say this? Less than fun. Lacking anything resembling exciting.
  13. Someone that is good to my family and kids. If a man can’t get along with my family, there is really no point in pursuing a relationship because, while I don’t see them as often as I would like or I should, they are very important to me. The last man I dated and the only one I have introduced to my children or family since I dated my ex-husband, did a bang up job of completely pissing off my entire family, save my dad. “J” was absolutely rude as shit to my sister and you just can’t be rude to her. “M” (my sis) is a genuinely nice person and does her best to make people feel at ease and engage them in conversation. You can’t treat my family like crap on the bottom of your shoe and be in my life.
  14. Someone creative–I don’t care how he is creative (unless he is out creating new STD pools and offspring with a bevy of other women), I just dig creative–woodworking, drawing, painting, putting things together, building things. A man that works with his hands is a huge turn on. Watching a man work with his hands, however/whatever he does, can be mesmerizing. And actually kind of therapeutic.
  15. Someone adventurous and young at heart–If a man can turn even the most mundane of activities, such as grocery shopping or errand running, into an adventure, that is someone I want to spend my time with. I want him to see the world through the eyes of a child and be just as giddy as I am over things others take for granted. I want to watch the clouds float by, count the stars, wonder at the beauty found in seemingly ugly and dirty things.

This list probably sounds like a lot of demands and high expectations. It is. I am no longer willing to settle for “meh” any longer. I mean, there is a little wiggle room in there somewhere, but this really is my ultimate “wish list” for a partner. As high as my expectation is for the next, and hopefully final, man in my life, I hope his expectation is just as high for me. We should challenge each other, fight for each other, take care of each other, cheer each other on, and, God willing, go on a million adventures with each other. If that isn’t possible, and just “meh” exists, then really, what is the point?

The Cesspool of Romance, Part 2

The more I date, the worse it gets. Although since the break up I haven’t dated at all. I haven’t wanted to. I am wondering if it is all worth it. I have also been wondering 1.what it is that I am doing wrong or 2. what is wrong with me that I am attracting less than ideal mates or 3. if I am the problem. Am I so broken, damaged and fucked up that I am chasing them away. Is my need for honesty, transparency, loyalty, intelligence and stability expecting too much? At any rate, now is a time for introspection and focus on myself and my kids. The following match types are just some of the reasons I am where I am. Alone and content with that.

The Liar–One of my biggest pet peeves is lying, whether it is outright lies or lies of omission. I cannot not stand liars. The dating pool has opened up a whole new supply of them. They lie about everything, from whether or not they have a facebook page to being on psychiatric medicine to being married or involved. They are always trying to pull one over on you. Then, they are shocked when you call them on it, offended you have a problem with it and then they run. Or they get pissed. More often than not, they run. God forbid they engage in anything remotely resembling the truth.

The Narcissist–He likes to make you think it is all about you. For a while. Then his true self comes out. He likes to spend money on you and then throw it in your face just how generous he is. Especially after you’ve had any sort of disagreement. They have a fragile self-esteem that is damaged and/ or challenged at the slightest criticism. They don’t like not being the single most important person in your life. They need, so badly, to feel important. Any challenge to that and you. are. toast. They are really good at being bad and cruel and then turning it on you, making you feel like it is your fault. I mean, like really your fault. You find yourself apologizing and when you do, they dig even harder, inflicting as much pain and guilt as possible.

The Player–This one is really good at making you feel like you are the world to him. He showers you with attention, affection and gifts. The only problem is, he is doing the exact same thing with other women. As much time, energy and money as he spends on you, it is almost unfathomable that there could be other women. But there are. And he has a long history with a lot of them. I went out with a guy that liked to brag that he was really well endowed and that a LOT of women really liked that. So many, in fact, that he lost count somewhere around 110 of them. Good thing it stayed platonic. He was carrying unwelcome passengers as a consolation prize for his efforts. No thanks.

Mr. Friends with Benefits–When I was on Plenty of Fish, I stated in my profile that I was in no way interested in a friends with benefits situation or a casual sex relationship. That did not stop the requests, flirtations and constant attempts to talk me into it. I am not sure why they were even interested since I never backed down from my stance. In my eyes, friends with benefits is simply benefits with a little friendly conversation tacked on. That would make me little more than a sperm receptacle and reduce me from an intelligent, flesh and blood woman with plethora of gifts, skills and opinions/ideas to a mere body part put on this planet for the pleasure of a man I don’t really know or care about. And one who certainly didn’t care for me. I will take being single over being someone’s ejaculate catcher any day.

Captain Clingy–This one can be frightening. And suffocating. I am pretty independent. I like my “me” time and being alone a fair amount of time. I enjoy being on my own and creating things, going to the movies and whatever else tickles my fancy. I don’t have to be in the presence of someone else to be happy or enjoy myself. Captain Clingy, on the other hand, needs to either be with you or know where you are. All the time. You must answer your phone when he calls or text him back within a certain amount of time.  No reason for not doing so is permitted because he goes apeshit and gets nasty with you, assuming that because you didn’t answer his text within the allotted time frame, you must be ignoring him and that can’t be tolerated. Any attempt at being in a relationship with this person is sure to end badly and he won’t be able to let go when you finally decide you have had enough.

Oh so lonely–A huge red flag and One of the quickest ways to make me run, is when a guy tells me he’s so lonely, tired of being lonely or tired of being alone. I think we all get there sometimes, but oh my lord, you  don’t have to tell everyone, especially the women you want to meet or date. If you can’t be happy on your own, and in your singlehood, I won’t make you happy. No one will. You have to be able to find a place where you are happy and comfortable in your singleness. Being in your lonely place is like having a spot light shining on your pile of insecurities. If you aren’t okay on your own,  you will be throwing red flags up everywhere, in everything you say and everything you do. Unless a woman is equally dysfunctional, you will lose her. And if she is equally dysfunctional, it will be a train wreck waiting to happen.

The Cynic–This is one I personally can’t date, not that this is the case for everyone. For some people, this works. Personally, I don’t do angry or cynical. I am a pretty happy-go-lucky, Pollyanna-type  most of the time. I easily bore or tire from too much politics which usually fuels the cynic. While I am on one side of the aisle and disagree, sometimes vehemently, with those on the other side, I would much rather be happy and love my friends than fight with them. Or fight with strangers for that matter. The cynic doesn’t care. In fact, they seem to revel in hurting and/or offending those on the other side. I can be friends, but dating is off the table.

The Bore–Boring kills me. I am always up for adventure. I love to laugh. I am a chatterbox. I randomly sing and dance, sometimes in a public setting. I can be completely unrestrained and silly. Sedate is fine with some women, but I want to be with a man that wakes me up, not puts me to sleep.

The Fool–No offense to the intellectually challenged or intellectually average, but I need an intelligent partner. I am a pretty intelligent girl myself and I love super smart men. If a man can’t form a coherent sentence or engage in intelligent conversation, I find myself looking for excuses to end the date.  A man may be super nice, generous, kind and a million other positive things, but when I think of spending my time with someone I can’t relate to, I just can’t even. And if he is smart, but uses shit language (text-ese, bad grammar, can’t spell, uses non-word word replacements, etc), again, no. I cringe at the sight of such things. I am certain this makes me a horrible person, but I can’t help it. I value words. I value their meaning, their structure, their sound. Words are important.

I have noticed that some men embody only one of these types, but with some, you hit the jackpot. They embody several. Good luck negotiating that territory. If my dating (mis)adventure is any sort of  map to negotiating the world of relationship potentiality, There is an awful lot of crap to wade through when it comes to finding a partner.  Hip waders are highly recommended, as well as a shovel and air freshener.

Being single doesn’t suck so bad after all…

Shortly after I started this blog, I met someone. We talked online for about a month and met in person on February 3rd. Three weeks ago, he ended it. If I know one thing about myself, it is that I am a bit much for men to handle. I am a pain in the ass. I know it. The funny thing is, after analyzing the relationship a bit, I am pretty sure I would have ended it within a few weeks anyway. I was seeing in him a lot of the things that made me leave my husband. His reasons for ending it were different than mine but…whatever. We were in different places and I had a much larger emotional investment in the relationship than he did. Regardless, here we are. Unicorns don’t exist.

As much as  loved being in a relationship that, to my blind eyes, was near perfect, I am now unattached and surprisingly quite happy and content. Maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet (I seriously doubt that) and maybe I just know it wasn’t meant to be. Whatever the reason, There are things about being single again to love and appreciate.

  1. The whole bed is mine again. Let’s face it, all that snuggling and (ahem…) grown up time was awesome. That will definitely be missed. A Lot.  The switch from contact overload to no physical contact will be difficult, but for the first time in a while my bedding will remain in place and the bed will be kept presentable. Maybe. I am not great about making the bed, but at least the sheets will stay where they belong and I won’t have to fight them every night. I don’t know what he did when he was asleep, but the fitted sheet was always ripped up on his side. Now, I can sleep stretched out across the bed again without anyone hindering my splayed position. Oh, But the snuggling….
  2. No chewing tobacco. He was always nice enough to not do it around me, or at least he wasn’t obvious about it,  but the habit itself is disgusting. As much as I hate cigarettes and cigarette smoke, I hate chewing tobacco more. Nasty shit in your mouth and spitting. Gross. And then there is the cancer issue. No thanks. Why can’t I find someone who neither smokes nor chews. It seems that those are the only men I seem to meet. Or those with drug histories or legal issues. Maybe those should be deciding factors for choosing someone in the future.  That will eliminate a LOT of men. Not that I am anxious to date again. I am not. I can’t seem to get it right.
  3. No more walking on eggshells anymore. OMG. Walking on eggshells with regard to everything you say is exhausting. Don’t offend. Don’t post the wrong thing on facebook. I am kinda like a bull in a China shop sometimes. I can be awkward and clumsy and sometimes the things that I let spill out of my mouth or from my fingers (online) are less than graceful or elegant. Now I am free to dance about the world minus the fragile eggshells that kept me in line. I guess I am lucky that he saw the flawed mess that I am before I got any more serious about him than I already was.
  4. No mockery of my condition. I have a pretty decent sense of humor, but even mine has limits. I can laugh about the unfortunate symptoms of my celiac disease and I do it fairly often. But every single day, joking about what I go through. It gets old after a while. After it gets old it starts to sting a bit. I find my symptoms embarrassing and extremely uncomfortable. They really aren’t a joke, but I let it go on. Sometimes his response to a complaint or concern was an obnoxious whining, mocking crying noise and sometimes I was afraid it was real and not a joke. I probably should’ve said something, but see number 3. I didn’t force him to walk on the eggshells he provided for me.
  5. Minimal farting. My world is noisy and stinky enough with a teenager and a pre-teen in it, but add a grown adult man who thinks farting all the frickin’ time is funny and you get a testosterone playground filled with the unpleasantness of body odor, smelly feet and rotten eggs. Not to mention the sounds of the farts themselves, and the gut-busting laughs that were sure to follow.
  6. No complaining about gluten free food. I know that gluten free foods are not exactly the tastiest creations with the most pleasing texture. I live with it everyday. I don’t have a choice. I have to make the best of a less than ideal situation so I accept what is and find foods that I can eat as acceptable, albeit imperfect, replacements. Complaining about it and showing your disdain for my diet really doesn’t help and kind of makes me feel like shit. Making a face and turning up your nose at my fare while denying what I have to offer adds to the nice little shit pile. No worries. I don’t have to deal with it anymore. Except maybe from my boys, but I expect that from kids. And they really don’t do that anyway.
  7. I can start going to the gym again. This is my fault. In part. The last couple of months has been a whirlwind of change and activity. In March I bought a gym membership, went about 8 times and then stopped. I had to look for a new place to live, then I was moving (which takes forever) and cleaning the old place. Then there was the relationship. He came over most nights and I felt guilty about leaving him alone in my place (he NEVER made me feel guilty about it so that is on me) and I craved being around him so I let what I wanted take precedence over what I needed. Now I can go without guilt.
  8. No more wondering. If you have ever been in an uneven relationship, you know what it is like to wonder. Do they care about me as much as I care about them? Are they as emotionally invested in this as I am? Will they be there for me the same way I will be for them whenever needed? If you aren’t sure, chances are that answer is no. I knew he liked me and liked the physical part of our relationship, but as far as truly caring about me, I just wasn’t sure. I never heard him say as much. I would tell him I was happy to see him, happy he was here, that he meant a lot to me, etc., and the sentiments were never reciprocated. I think the most I got was “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you”.
  9. No competing with an electronic device. We are all somewhat addicted to our smart phones, but to varying degrees. I love mine. I admit it. But as for it completely running my life, I can safely put it down with going batshit crazy. The thing does not have to be in my hand being viewed by me every waking moment. Not so true in the ex’s case. We would be snuggling on the couch watching a movie, one arm around me and the phone in his other hand scrolling facebook, amazon, some geek site, etc. I tried so hard to be understanding. He has ADHD and is always doing 3 or 4 things at a time, but when I wave my hand in front of his phone to break the trance, several times in one night, I’d say he is full on addicted. While watching TV, at the table eating dinner in a restaurant, in the movie theater, etc. It was always the most important thing in the room.

There are some things that, at the age of 47, are much better handled than at 27. At 27, I think I would have done anything to make the relationship work no matter how ill-matched the pairing was. I would have forgiven just about anything and worked and tried and ultimately failed, having wasted an ungodly amount of time on someone that was never worth 5 minutes. At 47, I still try to be understanding and I try to make things work, but it is so much easier to walk away because now I understand just how valuable my time is and just how quickly it passes. I don’t want the time that passes so quickly to have been wasted on some butthole. I would rather my time, energy, affection and love be invested in someone who truly deserves it. I have yet to find him. I am not certain he exists. I know that amazing men exist because I have plenty of friends that are married to or dating them, but as for whether or not there is one out there for me, I am just not sure. In the meantime, I am not sitting around waiting for him to show up. I am living my life, doing what I enjoy and spending time with my kids. If I run into him, it won’t be because he can’t look up from his phone. It will be because I have tripped over my own two feet or a crack in the sidewalk. Hopefully, he will be paying enough attention that he will be able to keep me from doing a header on the pavement and busting my face.

A little grace please. And maybe some patience.

I am a lot of things. Perfect is definitely not one of them.

When you have been through some of what I have been through, I’d like to say you develop a thicker skin, great discernment skills and incredible strength, but that is not always the case. I guess in some ways I have, but I think that most of what I have developed is a plethora of coping skills, some of which are not healthy for me or anyone else. Not healthy and not fair. And then there is the baggage associated with them. Oh, the baggage.

I have encountered narcissists, assholes, selfish men, jerks, deviants, users, liars, abusers and men that make promise after promise, only to blow me off time after time. They have made me question my worth and my place. The last of these  issues was only part of the problem in my longest relationship, but it gave me the bulk of an attitude I have developed that can best be described as “Fuck the world, I will do it my damn self.”  While most men I have encountered, save my dad and my grandpa, have contributed to this attitude, not all of them have. Unfortunately, it is my immediate, knee-jerk response when something happens, whether it is a missed call or text or unforeseen circumstances that screw up my plans with someone. Fuck the world. I will do it my damn self.

This attitude is hurtful and not at all fair and, from something I read recently, seen by others, especially men, as a weakness. Regardless, my fear of the same bullshit happening again, elicits the same response. Fuck the world. I will do it my damn self. Even though someone has proven time and time again that they are not like that,  That they are to be trusted and treated with kindness, an honest mistake will, again, result in that response. Fuck the world. I will do it my damn self. I have been let down so many times that that is the expectation when people make promises or say they will do something. I am always anticipating it. This is just a portion of the baggage I carry with me. It is something, one of the somethings that I would like to get rid of. This response can be off-putting and it pushes some people away. What would be nice is for someone to stay long enough to get past the bullshit response and help me unpack my baggage, leaving room to fill it with new memories, good memories, fun memories.

While I can be  serious pain in the ass at times, insecure, afraid, angry and hurt over dumb, sometimes irrational things, there are good things about me too. I have an awesome sense of humor, dark and twisted sometimes, and maybe even a little dirty, but well worth seeing come out. I am easy to amuse. I can find fun in just about any situation with just about any person on the planet. I am passionate about life. I want to go and do and be and meet. Life is beautiful and I want to experience it. I am kind to others, or at least I try to be, even when they are horrible to me. I forgive easily and I try to see the best in people. If I do get angry, wait 5 minutes and it will pass. When I love someone, and that love is reciprocated, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. They are my world and I don’t see anyone else. I am faithful. There are a lot of good things about me that I think are worth others’ time.

I just hope all the good trumps the bad.