quarantine – My Forties Reboot

I am overwhelmed. I am bone tired. I am kind of sad. I am struggling.

There is a lot coming at me at once and there has been for a while. Constantly being in the line of fire while having no one for support, no one to lean on and no one to share the load, everything gets really, really heavy. And right now I feel kind of like I am suffocating under the weight of a giant boulder.

Earlier this year, my ex and I had our 16 year old son evaluated for ADHD because, as smart and capable as he is, he was facing some challenges. I have always known he is different. He sees things differently. He responds differently. He learns differently. We knew that was probably the diagnosis, but we had said for years that we didn’t want our kids medicated. We always felt kids were over-medicated and we didn’t want to be “those” parents. Everything came to a head earlier in the school year and to give our son a fighting chance, we (me, my ex, my son and our doctor) decided medication was probably the best option.

We had him evaluated and made sure the school got a copy of the paperwork so they would have his diagnosis on file. My son was attending the high school he started in as part of the open enrollment program, since we had moved out of the boundaries. His grades were not good so the principal decided to drop him from the program right before his junior year. Right about that time, all hell broke loose and pandemic erupted in the U.S. The kids were under a lot more stress, dealing with a lot of uncertainty, forced into online school under less than ideal conditions and that is when the principal decided to remove a vulnerable kid with a newly diagnosed learning disability from the school and programs he loved and where all his friends were enrolled. Compassionate of him, right? Well we fought to keep him there. Our pleas were ignored by the principal so as a last ditch effort, I emailed the school district and Nathan emailed his debate teacher and his teacher went to bat for him. All those efforts paid off and my son gets to stay at his school of choice and the administration will be sharing the resources they so freely give to others. We have also come to realize that he may also be on the autism spectrum (he has lots of signs/symptoms of Asperger’s). So we will be having him evaluated for that as well.

I have two kids in high school, each of them will be attending different schools in different cities. Maybe. It all depends on the direction this damn virus goes. They are starting out remotely and will probably end up in the actual school, but as to when that will be, it is anybody’s guess. So much uncertainty. I have to work (I am lucky to work from home) so I will have to figure out how to keep the kids on task and make sure they get their work done, while trying to avoid the battles over getting a teenager to do anything. Or I will have to find a way to make sure each child gets to their respective school on the days that I have them. A lot depends on what shift I am working and what days I have off and that changes every couple of months and I have very little control over that. I am not sure how we will do that without me losing my youngest son living with me 50% of the time. Not having my kids here on their dad’s days is hard enough, but I don’t know how I will deal with him not being here during MY time if it comes to that.

My living situation has been quite stressful. I live in an apartment managed by a company/individual who does not really seem invested in making sure the living environment is comfortable. I love my apartment. I love the layout. I love the personality. I like the area that it is in. Those are not the issue. I live in a fourplex. I occupy the top floor. I have one neighbor that occupies half of the groundfloor and part of the basement, one neighbor that is half of the groundfloor and one that is half of the basement. The two car garage attached to the building is part of my apartment as I am the only one that has access to it. Long story short–I can’t park in the garage. They couldn’t program the opener for the door I asked them to and instead they programmed the side where they let my neighbor park. According to the manager, the only thing it has ever been used for is storage so that’s it. I can’t park in the garage I pay for. The hot water and water pressure situation in the kitchen has never been great, but last year it got to the point where I was getting a little more than a trickle and we would only get water that was slightly warmer than room temperature and we were having to boil water to do dishes and actually get them clean. I reported this to the manager and he told me to check the hot water valve in the kitchen. The second time I contacted him about it, he said they would check it during the biannual inspection that has never taken place in the year and a half we have lived here. In June there was a pipe leaking in my kitchen that was raining into one apartment and dripping into another. It caused a lot of damage as it had been leaking for quite a while. Galvanized pipes wear out and this one looked like Swiss cheese. I can’t help but wonder–if he had actually had someone check out my issue when I told him about it, perhaps damage could have been avoided. Also last year my refrigerator went out. I lost over $200 worth of food, most of which I had just spent the last of my money on. I had a friend that had a refrigerator he was willing to give me (a really nice one), but the manager told me no, that he would replace it. The replacement came 6 days later and it is much smaller than the original one. I appealed to the manager via email about perhaps giving me a break on rent since I needed to feed my kids and now couldn’t because of their broken equipment. He never answered me. My neighbors in the ground floor apartment are young and seem to have no concept of just how loud they are. Yelling, screaming and cheering until 3 am over a video game that is so loud it booms in my apartment. Music so loud it vibrates my floor and desk (while I am trying to work) and requires that I turn up the volume on my TV so I can hear it. When I was working graveyard shift, I would get off work at 4 a.m. and by 5 a.m. they would already be up and singing at the top of their lungs or listening to loud music. And the manager says that I should call the cops because he can only “suggest” that they turn it down. At the end of my lease I will be scrambling to find something affordable to rent or purchase and that will not be an easy task.

I am a social person and when all the lockdowns and stay at home orders began, it was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks, so no big deal, right? Two weeks turned into a month and then two months. And so on. No going anywhere unless it is absolutely necessary. Everything except major grocery stores closed indefinitely. Wear a mask. Stay 6 feet apart. Don’t get together with friends or family. Don’t go to church. Don’t touch anyone. No hugging friends. It has been a miserable 6 months, not just for me, but for my kids as well. One is very social and being without his friends has been very hard on him. My introverted son struggles too. He doesn’t have a huge circle of friends, but he needs time with the circle he’s got.I am constantly worrying about them and, with my history with depression, looking for signs of it in them. Worrying about getting sick. Worrying about my parents getting sick. Being quarantined when my youngest got sick (not uncommon for him) and having to wait for a negative test to come back. And then I see my friends at odds with each other over masks. One side screams that you want to kill grandma if you don’t want to wear a mask. The other side screams that you are a sheeple if you are fearful and wear one, and that you are trampling on their freedom. It is nothing but a shouting match and no one is listening.

I never thought I was super sensitive, but all the unrest in this country is taking a huge toll on me. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see people angry and fighting, to watch cities be burned to the ground and all the violence that seems to be happening at all the protests and demonstrations. Some days it looks like the U.S. is a war torn country far from the place I grew up. I don’t like confrontation. I don’t like discord. Right now there is such division and meanness even between friends and people are so angry. I just hurts my heart.

Celiac disease is the bane of my existence. I hate it. It is inconvenient. It is painful. It complicates being social. When I get stressed, it activates the symptoms, even if I don’t eat anything I am not supposed to. Stress does that to my Hashimoto’s symptoms as well. So along with dealing with all the other things in my life, I am dealing with being sick and in pain most of the time as well. I wish my family took it into consideration when making plans but often, it is not even a blip on their radar. It seems that not including me in family stuff is much easier than working with it or even considering it and that has become so frustrating for me. I hate being left out of things, but I get that I am kind of a pain to deal with.

And then there is my job. I love my job. I love what I do. I love helping people and I am great at customer service. I love the company I work for. Even as much as I love my job, it is way more stressful than I ever thought it could be under normal circumstances, but add the pandemic, and some days or weeks it is off the charts. All this upheaval and fear is making people not want to travel and as a result the airlines have been hit super hard. There has been monumental loss and with that a lot of restructuring. As of a couple weeks ago, I am officially on a furlough list. That does not mean I will get furloughed, but there is the possibility that in a little over a month, I may be unemployed, at least temporarily. The airline I work for is a strong company and it has a lot of very loyal customers who are absolutely itching to travel, so if I do get furloughed, I don’t think it will be for long. And right now, my employers are doing everything they can to avoid furloughs. Even if furlough is a remote possibility, it is still a possibility, and that is quite heavy since my income is the only income. I still have to worry about how I will pay the rent and feed two teenage boys with voracious appetites and pay all my bills if I don’t have a job.

I am overwhelmed.

I have a lot coming at me at the moment and most days I handle life and stress just fine. But this year is different. It is on overload. It is not without its blessings too, though. I have had a lot of time with my kids which has been nice. In a few months, I may have more than I want. Ha ha. We have done road trips and gone fishing and done UberEats and Instacart together and we have had some great conversations. It is definitely not all bad, but honestly I just need a break. I would love to fly somewhere, preferably somewhere with a beach, but everywhere I want to go is pretty much shut down so using my flight benefits isn’t even a possibility right now. I will have to make due where I am and today, I am going boating with one of my besties and I can’t wait. I need time with her and I need to be near/in the water. Today I get to escape all that stresses me. Just those few hours will have me feeling like a new person. At least for a little while. And I have some awesome friends who are a constant source of joy so time with them is a must.

Events as of late have effected each of us in different ways. I have introverted friends that are loving the current lockdown. It is their ideal situation to be holed up in the comfort of their own space. I have others that are super extroverted and are climbing the walls anticipating the end of our current quarantine/lockdown order. I am an ambivert. I am right in the middle with traits of both an introvert and an extrovert. I am a people person who loves to be out among the masses enjoying meeting new people and engaging in conversation. I loved to be plugged in to the public. I also love to be alone in my apartment, curled under a blanket reading a book or watching the latest series on Netflix (I highly recommend Raising Dion) or creating something colorful and fun and artistic. I function well in both. Most of the time.

The current situation is driving me batshit crazy. I am stressed in so many ways. I am worried about my job. I love my job for so many reasons. I love the company I work for. I love how they not only care about their customers, but they also care about their employees and want more than anything to take care of both. I work for an airline and they are one of the hardest hit industries right now. Even with government assistance, the industry is going to suffer and there will be a lot of belt tightening and adjustments made by all, including the possibility of furloughs and cutbacks. I am stressed about getting the stupid virus or my kids getting it or my parents and the possible negative outcome of it all. I am worried about bills and rent and money and my kids and homeschooling and the list goes on and on. For a more extroverted person, being cooped up in the house with no end in sight is maddening.

One of the measures my employer is taking is actively encouraging us to take unpaid leaves of absence to help curtail some of the expense of operation. I am a single mom with limited resources, but I do have a good bit of my tax return left plus the stimulus check to live on for at least thirty days so I put in for a 30 day leave of absence. The thought is both scary and exciting. Now, I know how my body and brain have responded to the current stress level. It is not great. I sleep most of my off time away. I am completely unproductive most days. I don’t like being unproductive, but I have been so damn tired. All. The. Time.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of not having any energy at all. The lack of energy and lack of motivation and feeling absolutely overwhelmed is taking its toll and I don’t want it to be like that on my leave of absence. I don’t want to waste 30 days sleeping my life away, although the rest does sound appealing. I have lived through depression and I know where the overwhelmed, fearful, exhausted road leads. It is not a good place and will only feed itself. So, I decided that if my leave of absence were approved, I wanted to have a list of things to accomplish every day to keep myself from falling into the sleep trap and I will blog about it every day for 30 days and keep myself accountable. At the end of these thirty days, I want my life to be better. I want to be better than when the leave started. I want something to show for it. So, I sat down and decided what it was I wanted to do everyday. Things that make me happy, things that make me better and thing that get stuff done (like unpacking the boxes in the garage, left over from the move–a year ago).

So, my list:

Walk or hike 2 to 4 miles a day. Sleep is lazy. I don’t want to be lazy. It leads to weight gain and then to being more tired. I need to break that cycle and, for goodness sake, I live in Idaho and there are a ton of places to walk and hike where I can keep my distance from people.
Finish one piece of art per day. I have gone a horribly long time without making art and I feel the lack of it sucking pieces of my soul away. That feeds the tired as well. I want to force myself into the habit of doing what I love again so that it becomes habit.
Make one piece or one set of jewelry per day. I have an Etsy store (www.beadedfrog.etsy.com) that has been neglected for a very long time. I make jewelry all the time, but it goes into a case with all the other stuff I have made and almost none of it makes it into my Etsy store. I used to design beautiful pieces of jewelry, necklaces and bracelets, that had gemstone and crystal and appealing color combinations. Now I make earrings. I make them because they are easy. I miss the necklaces and bracelets so I want to find beautiful beads and make those again.
Make dinner every night. How this became an issue is beyond me. We fell into easy. We fell into the trap of ordering out. A lot. I dread the idea of counting all that we have spent because I lack the energy and motivation to cook dinner every night. That stops, most of it, now. I will cook with my kids when I have them. I will cook for myself when I don’t. I will get back into the habit of dinner every night.
Reach out to at least one friend per day. One of the things about working from home is that you fall into the trap of isolation. You don’t mean for it to happen, it just does. Being an extroverted ambivert kind of goes out the window when you are immersed in the comforts of home. Days go by and you realize that you haven’t left the house. Once you realize, you will take any kind of time away from the confines of home. Just a trip to the grocery store to get a gallon of milk is a welcome respite from isolation. Isolation makes you forget you have friends on the outside. They are still living and working and going through stuff and you are missing it all. I have two friends going through trauma right now that sort of woke me up. I need to be in touch with people.
Read one hour per day. Netflix has become a good and comfortable friend and it is much easier and a lot less taxing than having to visually absorb words and their context and meaning. When in the hell did that happen? I used to be an avid reader. I would devour books as quickly as I could. Netflix, Hulu, Vudu, Amazon Prime–they require zero effort on my part. That also feeds my current mental situation. I need to stimulate my brain, not numb it. It has been numb for far too long.
Sketch one hour per day. To keep my artist brain active and engaged, I need to be practicing and sketching every single day. I can’t remember the last time I picked up a sketch book or pencil and just put the pencil to paper. It is like any other skill. You need to work the skill to keep it and I am completely rusty.
Bake bread with Aidan. My fourteen year old has recently taken an interest in cooking and baking bread. I love that he wants to cook and experiment. I love that he seeks feeling accomplished through baking bread and making a meal. I used to enjoy cooking. I need to learn to love it again. Even with my food restrictions (no wheat, rye or barley), cooking can be fun and food can be tasty. I have grown bored with food and I need to rediscover culinary adventure.
Classwork. I am not in class, but my kids have another month of online school as their schools are closed indefinitely. I need to be engaged and making sure that they are checking in and working on classwork every day.
Road trips/fishing trips. I need to get out of the house, but I want to do it safely. Nature is a good way to take care of that need. We will be getting fishing licenses and equipment and we will fish once per week and we will also drive somewhere once per week. Crater Lake, Craters of the Moon, Swan Falls, etc. We have some exploring to do, and fresh air to breathe and sanity to recover.
Chores. I want to clean, scrub and organize my house from top to bottom. I want to tackle jobs that have been neglected. I want shit taken care of.

I will also be tackling other things. I have tea sets I need to finish painting, margarita glasses that need attention and so much glass I can paint. And yes, I will watch Netflix and Amazon Prime and Hulu and I will paint my nails and gripe about my hair needing color and a cut. I will complain about my neighbors making too much noise and I will try to relax and not stress so much. I will love on people the best I can at a distance. I need my life back. All of it. Everything that matters and has somehow been forgotten. Not just because of this virus, but that is what led to the avalanche of “what the hell am I doing with my life?!” No more. I am going to create the life I want where I am and when travel is possible again, I will be on a plane every chance I get, with a new appreciation of the gift that my life is and what I have created for myself. I am looking forward to my unpaid vacation and all its possibilities. Bring it on because I am ready and waiting. Anxiety be damned.